#751

• Why didn't the dyslexics show up at the French Revolution?
• They were at the drug store, storming the pastille.

#752

One time an electrician came home drunk at four o'clock in the morning. "Wire you insulate?" his wife scolded.

"Watts it to you?" he snapped. "I'm ohm, ain't I?"

#753

A housewife acquired a pet rabbit and taught it to do all kinds of tricks. She noticed, however, that the animal was very self-conscious and wouldn't perform any time it was being observed, which defeated the purpose of teaching it to do tricks in the first place. If she walked into the room when the rabbit was in the middle of a trick, it would immediately stop.

The woman solved the problem by concealing a video camera behind the refrigerator and filming its tricks. She showed the tape to her all friends, except for the neighbor across the street who were on vacation and missed the show.

One afternoon, the lady had to fetch something from the room where the rabbit was kept. She opened the door, and immediately the rabbit cut short a cartwheel and cowered in the corner, refusing to do any more tricks.

Just then, the neighbor across the street, who had returned from vacation, knocked on the door. "I understand you have a pet rabbit that does tricks?" she said.

"You'll have to settle for video tape," the lady replied, "because I've just watched my hare, and I can't do a thing with it."

#754

A medieval kingdom was situated on an island in the sea. A bridge connected the island to the mainland. The problem was, anyone who tried to cross the bridge would be attacked by giant mystical yellow fingers and dragged to the bottom of the sea. The king had sent his bravest knights to overcome the fingers and cross to the other side, but they all failed.

One day, a young page wanted to make an attempt of his own. Neither the king nor his remaining knights believed he could do it, but before they could argue, the page was already half way across the bridge -- and, quite surprisingly, the yellow fingers did not rise out of the water to grab him.

The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

#755

Captain Kidd prepared with his crew to search for buried treasure. Before setting out he consulted with his dentist, who advised him that all the best treasure out there was in the gold fillings of the teeth of various bodies, such as he might find in a cemetery or at the site of some battlefield.

He kept this advice secret from his crew, and so when they landed on a desert island, they scattered, each using his own preferred means of treasure hunting, while Captain Kidd looked for cemeteries. He found several, dug up the bodies, and extracted many gold fillings from many teeth. He also came upon an old battlefield, and by exhuming the bodies there he was able to find still more gold fillings.

He returned to the ship and met his crew, who had come back empty-handed, while Captain Kidd had two pouches brimming with the fruits of his labor. The crew asked him the secret of his success, to which he replied, "Before setting out, I consulted with my dentist, who said to me, 'Booty is tooth, and tooth booty. That is all you know on earth, and all you need to know.'"

#756

Gene Kelly made An American In Paris in the studios in Hollywood. The next year he decided to make a film which this time would be shot on location in Paris. So he went over there with the camera crew, and the first scene called for Gene Kelly to ring the bell in the belfry at Notre Dame Cathedral. He pulled on the rope and pulled and pulled and got carried away, failing to notice that the bell had come loose from its casters. It fell out of the belfry, pulling the rope, with Gene Kelly still hanging on, into the river below. Improvising as best he could under the circumstances, Kelly treaded water and kept on pulling the rope. The director in the belfry above heard a ringing, gurgling sound down below and called down with his megaphone to ask what was going on down there. Kelly replied, "I'm ringing in the Seine! I'm ringing in the Seine!"

#757

• Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
• He was looking for a Czech mate.

#758

• What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse?
• I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!

#759

Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."

#760

• Why are crocodiles brown and flat?
• Because if they were yellow and round, they'd be lemons.