#741

• What do you call a chef that makes cakes and cookies while intoxicated?
• Drunken Hines.

#742

Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.

The first slept on a deer skin.

The second slept on a bear skin.

The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

#743

• If everyone in America started driving pink cadillacs, what would you have?
• A pink car nation.

#744

• Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?
• It had no point.

#745

I spilled some coffee. My wife called it grounds for divorce.

#746

Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob's truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he'd strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, "Hey, kids, buy ice cream!" And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years.

Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream.

Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times' sake.

But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind.

And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: "T'nnufidgeiss ver'gyood! Buy'tnaow!"

And that's when Bob realized that he had a problem.

A problem...with truck head diction.

#747

A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, "File this report, please."

"You file it, sir," the secretary replies. "I'm a secretary, not a woodworker."

#748

It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.

At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"

"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.

"What's the score, then?"

"Eight-two, Brutus."

#749

• What do you call it when a book spies on people?
• A peeping tome.

#750

• What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?
• "Ve have vays of making you tock!"