#401

This one Roman governor was a spontaneous guy, and he was often annoyed when his astrologer buddy had to consult the stars before they could meet for a beer or go to the gladiator fights. Soon he got so fed up that he stopped calling him. The astrologer called him a month later, claiming that he had turned over a new leaf.

Incredulous, the governor asked, "OK, howzabout a game of racquetball then?" There was a long pause. "What are you doing now?" he asked sharply.

"Hang on, I'm checking my palm, Pilate."

#402

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports, many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to their superior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant in charge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At his arraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but he remained indignant. "What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!"

#403

• What to you call Batman and Robin after they've been run over by a car?
• Flatman and Ribbon

#404

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

#405

So, I saw this friend of mine today. He was sitting in a chair, holding a bag of candy drops, and crying. So I asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm thinking of all these sad things," he said.

"But why?" I asked.

"Because I want to make myself cry," he said.

"Why would you do that?" I asked.

"Because I want to open this candy bag!" he said.

"How is crying going to help you open the bag?" I asked.

"It says here," he said, pointing to the bag, "Tear here!"

#406

• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Apple, Orange, and Banana.
• Apple, Orange, and Banana who?
• Apple, Orange and Banana run away, get in their car, drive home, order pizza, eat dinner, brush their teeth, and go to bed.

#407

• Where do Sith Lords shop?
• At Darth Mall.

#408

• What did the lightbulb say to its mother?
• I wuv you watts and watts.

#409

• What's the best way to make pants last?
• Make the jacket first.

#410

A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.