#381

• How do librarians file melted marshmallows?
• According to the Gooey Decimal System.

#382

• Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
• Because she was in the non-friction section.

#383

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

The bartender looks roughly at the duck and replies, "No, we don't have any grapes. This is a bar, and we don't serve ducks anyway. Now get out of here!"

The duck walks away but returns to the same bar the next day and says, "Ya got any grapes?"

To this the bartender looks very roughly at the duck and replies, "No, we don't have any grapes. I told you yesterday that we didn't have grapes and that we didn't serve ducks. Now get out of here. If you come in here again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck walks away unfazed and again returns to the same bar on the next day. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Ya got any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails! This is a bar!"

So the duck says, "Ya got any grapes?"

#384

• What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo?
• A buffaloaf.

#385

• What do you get when you cross a tiger with a cabbage?
• Man-eating coleslaw.

#386

The editors of Webster's Dictionary met to decide how to abridge the new edition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more. They've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that we can't have archaic and edit too."

#387

There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.

So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

The moral of this story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

#388

A man walks into a flower shop and discovers something new: a bonsai palm tree in a pot. As he admires the plant he says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

#389

While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn't keep the Arabic names straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.

#390

The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of the Year" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.